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Dating tips: sport sex and relationship expectations do not mix

Dear Deborrah:

After being married for 10 years and spending two years licking my wounds, I have re-entered the dating arena. I recently came across an old friend, and after a wonderful evening of conversation and catching up we ended up in bed together.

Keep in mind, I have known this guy for years. I've never had a localgirls for man one-night stand before, and didn't believe this fit that category. I thought that maybe he wanted to take the friendship up to another level.

Well, guess who I haven't heard from?

It has been over a week. I called him once to say how nice it was to see him. He said he would call me right back but he didn't. Now what?

I feel very hurt over this and even more confused. Should I try one more time to talk to him, or should I just chalk it up to experience? I never would have slept with him if I had known what it would be like afterwards!

Any insight you could give me would be greatly appreciated.


32 and Still Don't Get It

Dear Still Don't Get It:

Since you are new fresh meat in the singles slaughter arena (smile) I am going to go kinda easy on you. Understand that normally if someone in their 30s wrote me about this kind of silliness, I would have ripped the writer a new behind.

First let's talk about what dating is about for you. Some people date just for the fun, to get out of the house, for a little companionship, perhaps for sex. Others date with the intention of finding someone they are compatible with on many levels in the hopes that the connection will lead to a long-term relationship with growth potential, perhaps to marriage and babies. Until you determine which kind of dater you are, you'll involve yourself in situations which conflict with your goals.

Secondly, let's get clear on the difference between love and lust. Sleeping with someone on the first date is pretty much a guarantee that lust was the key component. You admit to having known this man for more than 10 years... I'm guessing he had always fantasized about sex with you, and he was finally in a position to make his fantasies come true. Certainly he enjoyed talking to you, but all that was merely a re-establishment for a casual friendship which would lead to casual sex.

See, the mistake most young women make is expecting to lay down with a guy and get up with a relationship. That kind of thinking is extremely unrealistic. If he didn't want a relationship with you before the sex, then having it is not going to make him magically want to be with you.

This is going to be the case with ANY MAN YOU MEET, so don't think that he is different or unusual or a dog or anything, he is just doing what men do.

Lastly, this guy has shown you who he really is. Please don't make excuses for him, let him off the hook, or let him back into your bed. When a man tells and shows you what he is about, believe him.

Your mistake was not giving yourself the opportunity to feel this guy out before becoming intimate with him. When a woman has sensitive feelings about sex as you do, she must really take her time and figure out if a guy is what she is looking for in a man, and if he is offering the type of relationship she is seeking.

Not only that, men haven't changed their mentality about sex since 512 BC. They may push for sex early on, but that doesn't mean they want you to say yes. I know it's stupid, but most of the time guys are giving you what I call "The Ho Test" - where they are testing your morals and values. They WANT you to make them wait a respectable length of time and give yourself the chance to make sure sleeping with him is the right thing to do.

Generally, guys don't respect women who sleep with them right off the bat. Guys are rather insecure and few believe that the attraction you had to them would motivate you to throw caution to the wind. Instead, they fearfully believe that they aren't special and that you do that kind of thing often. They feel that if you would do it with him, you would do the same thing with some other guy. They view you as easy or desperate or downright weak and silly - easy pickings for even the most low level player. They also see you as a woman who has no pride about herself as she trades her body easily for some weak conversation and a drink or two.

Men are generally competitive creatures and to motivate them to be at their best, they need to put in work to acquire something. When a woman "gives them sex," (something they view as the ultimate female prize), without so much as demanding a few dates, they feel that they have totally conquered you and that there is nothing else to strive for. They already have gotten all you have to give with no effort.

I'm not saying this is right, I'm not saying it makes logical sense. I'm just saying it is unfortunately, how a lot of men think even in 2015.

In your case, this fella knows you are expecting things from him that he doesn't want to give based on one night of sport sex. So he is avoiding you. He is NOT going to call you unless a few weeks go by and he wants to see if you are down for another round of sport sex. For now he wants you to just leave him alone and follow the rules of sport sex - you don't chase and you don't ask for me. Again, this is standard issue male behavior, common in the singles world, and nothing at all unusual.

That is why women seeking love must date guy for quite awhile and make sure a man has an emotional commitment and tie to her before she beds down with him, unless she is just in the mood to experience sport sex.

My advice for you: Don't call him again, don't text him cheery greetings or smiley faces, don't chase after him, and please do NOT get together with him and have sex again. Even if he does come to his senses and calls to apologize for his behavior, make sure that you maintain control of yourself; establish firm boundaries and do not put yourself in a position where you can be used again.

Part of being successful in the dating arena is learning the process of managing men... you NEVER let them manage you!

It might be helpful for you to read some of the articles here on The Examiner and on my blog about dating to make sure you are up to speed on the games men will run and how you can either deflect the games or play to win. You cannot maintain your naivet and innocence girlfriend or you'll be dating roadkill real quick.

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